My oldest baby just turned 20 on August 10th. Yesterday I went with him to his therapist, Dan Daley. Most of the time he has been going alone for the past year or more, but I wanted to go with him then to discuss an observation that Destry had made. I'm so glad I did, I learned more about what is going on with him and maybe how to look at him differently.
Destry mentioned that there were about two weeks straight where he was very forgetful at work, not just forgetting things that he was newly learning, but also forgetting things that he already knew. He also could not find things that were literally right in front of him. Spencer seemed to be unusually worried about his car racing event in the days leading up to it. Destry and I wondered if that was the cause. It wasn't. He was better afterwards, even though he had lost his radiator and missed one of his track times. His radiator is fixed, but he now needs four new tires. He is taking all of this in stride. He has been fine since then, like something switched in his brain. I have seen this many times before.
Spencer told Dr. Dan that his mind felt foggy when he was anxious. Dan explained that anxiety changes our brain. It gave me the example of having test anxiety and not being able to figure out an answer during the test, but after walking out of the test having the answer come almost immediately to mind. When we are out of the stressful situation, our mind is clearer. It is almost like Spencer has two different brains.
I have been spending most of Spencer's life watching for triggers and patterns that may or may not be there. It has proven very frustrating because while we may think we have identified some, we are still baffled and nothing seems to fit neatly into any pattern. That is because Spencer's anxiety is in his genes, "ghost genes," as Dr. Daley called them. He says that he calls people like Spencer, "Spartan Warriors." If he were living in the days of having to protect your family and your food from your neighbors or predators he would have done very well. He then shared a personal experience from his youth when he was frozen with fear and his friend had taken a karate pose and was ready to take on bigger, older boys who were ready to fight them. Fortunately for them all someone called the police and they all scattered. The "fight or flight" response is stronger for some people and they are constantly on the ready to defend and fight for their lives. On a side note, Destry and Spencer would have done very well when "survival of the fittest" was the rule of the day. Taylor, Sarah and I would be dead. Emma and Estelle would likely have lasted for some time, but their size and gender would definitely have put them at a disadvantage.
He told us that when the brain is in survival mode it is not concerned with remembering skills or tasks that are not meant for survival. It seems strange, but I am relieved that I don't have to watch out for things that may or may not be the cause of his stress. I just need to help him calm down in the moment and not think too far into the future. Looking into the future is definitely trouble for him.
Spencer has so many things going for him. He is kind, smart, sensitive, friendly, spiritual, funny, determined, a leader, and handsome. I don't know why human evolution hasn't been kind to him. In fact, I told him on our way home from the appointment that I had a few questions to ask God when I see him. He told me he has a whole list!
During the past couple of years, Spencer has watched several friends go on missions. Two of them have recently returned. I love how supportive he is and how excited he is to greet his friends when they get home. He isn't awkward or feeling bad about himself. He seems to have found peace with the path he is on. He has maintained friendships with those who are still around. Some of his friends are making choices different from what Spencer's standards are. He doesn't judge them and he isn't persuaded to follow them either. I am so proud of the stalwart young man that he is.
After Spencer graduated from college he bought a Nissan Xterra. It seemed like a practical choice to Destry and I. He could take friends, dates, and DJ equipment wherever he needed to go and he could do it in any weather. However, he had other plans in mind. He used Grandpa Crump as the bank and faithfully made payments for a few months. He decided that a Mazda Miata was a better choice for him and he found one he really wanted for a good price. He also put his Nissan up for sale. Someone wanted to trade a Harley Davidson motorcycle for the Nissan. He did some research and felt like the motorcycle was worth more money and grandpa gave his approval so he made the trade. He bought the sporty car and began taking racing lessons at Utah Motorsports Campus in Tooele. It was scary to me at first, but I went to watch and see what exactly he was doing and felt a lot better.
He had an instructor in the car with him and there were lots of safety rules. His car had to be checked out before it was approved for the track and while he was driving he was only allowed to pass or be passed on the straight ways and only then when the car in front waved them past. There was a training session at the beginning of each day and after each time on the track. The drivers received feedback and learned tips too.
It was a friendly, helpful environment with a lot of cool cars around. I can see what he was drawn to. It was fun for me to be there too. It has been good for him to do, but has kept him poor. It took longer than he had hoped and he received less money than he had hoped for the Harley, but it is finally out of my garage. He has learned some car maintenance too.
He is learning that adulting is not always as great as it seems from the teenage years. It is expensive, you have to work and pay for things. You can't always play. He is easing into it gracefully and is more appreciative of his parents :)
He started school at Salt Lake Community College yesterday. He is taking one math class on campus and an online fitness class. I hope it works out for him; he is still trying to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up. He said his class went well and will continue to work for Destry. I know he'll figure it out and he'll do well at whatever he chooses. He has to work harder than most people to make it through each day, but he is doing it and I couldn't be prouder.
Destry mentioned that there were about two weeks straight where he was very forgetful at work, not just forgetting things that he was newly learning, but also forgetting things that he already knew. He also could not find things that were literally right in front of him. Spencer seemed to be unusually worried about his car racing event in the days leading up to it. Destry and I wondered if that was the cause. It wasn't. He was better afterwards, even though he had lost his radiator and missed one of his track times. His radiator is fixed, but he now needs four new tires. He is taking all of this in stride. He has been fine since then, like something switched in his brain. I have seen this many times before.
Spencer told Dr. Dan that his mind felt foggy when he was anxious. Dan explained that anxiety changes our brain. It gave me the example of having test anxiety and not being able to figure out an answer during the test, but after walking out of the test having the answer come almost immediately to mind. When we are out of the stressful situation, our mind is clearer. It is almost like Spencer has two different brains.
I have been spending most of Spencer's life watching for triggers and patterns that may or may not be there. It has proven very frustrating because while we may think we have identified some, we are still baffled and nothing seems to fit neatly into any pattern. That is because Spencer's anxiety is in his genes, "ghost genes," as Dr. Daley called them. He says that he calls people like Spencer, "Spartan Warriors." If he were living in the days of having to protect your family and your food from your neighbors or predators he would have done very well. He then shared a personal experience from his youth when he was frozen with fear and his friend had taken a karate pose and was ready to take on bigger, older boys who were ready to fight them. Fortunately for them all someone called the police and they all scattered. The "fight or flight" response is stronger for some people and they are constantly on the ready to defend and fight for their lives. On a side note, Destry and Spencer would have done very well when "survival of the fittest" was the rule of the day. Taylor, Sarah and I would be dead. Emma and Estelle would likely have lasted for some time, but their size and gender would definitely have put them at a disadvantage.
He told us that when the brain is in survival mode it is not concerned with remembering skills or tasks that are not meant for survival. It seems strange, but I am relieved that I don't have to watch out for things that may or may not be the cause of his stress. I just need to help him calm down in the moment and not think too far into the future. Looking into the future is definitely trouble for him.
Spencer has so many things going for him. He is kind, smart, sensitive, friendly, spiritual, funny, determined, a leader, and handsome. I don't know why human evolution hasn't been kind to him. In fact, I told him on our way home from the appointment that I had a few questions to ask God when I see him. He told me he has a whole list!
During the past couple of years, Spencer has watched several friends go on missions. Two of them have recently returned. I love how supportive he is and how excited he is to greet his friends when they get home. He isn't awkward or feeling bad about himself. He seems to have found peace with the path he is on. He has maintained friendships with those who are still around. Some of his friends are making choices different from what Spencer's standards are. He doesn't judge them and he isn't persuaded to follow them either. I am so proud of the stalwart young man that he is.
After Spencer graduated from college he bought a Nissan Xterra. It seemed like a practical choice to Destry and I. He could take friends, dates, and DJ equipment wherever he needed to go and he could do it in any weather. However, he had other plans in mind. He used Grandpa Crump as the bank and faithfully made payments for a few months. He decided that a Mazda Miata was a better choice for him and he found one he really wanted for a good price. He also put his Nissan up for sale. Someone wanted to trade a Harley Davidson motorcycle for the Nissan. He did some research and felt like the motorcycle was worth more money and grandpa gave his approval so he made the trade. He bought the sporty car and began taking racing lessons at Utah Motorsports Campus in Tooele. It was scary to me at first, but I went to watch and see what exactly he was doing and felt a lot better.
He had an instructor in the car with him and there were lots of safety rules. His car had to be checked out before it was approved for the track and while he was driving he was only allowed to pass or be passed on the straight ways and only then when the car in front waved them past. There was a training session at the beginning of each day and after each time on the track. The drivers received feedback and learned tips too.
It was a friendly, helpful environment with a lot of cool cars around. I can see what he was drawn to. It was fun for me to be there too. It has been good for him to do, but has kept him poor. It took longer than he had hoped and he received less money than he had hoped for the Harley, but it is finally out of my garage. He has learned some car maintenance too.
He is learning that adulting is not always as great as it seems from the teenage years. It is expensive, you have to work and pay for things. You can't always play. He is easing into it gracefully and is more appreciative of his parents :)
He started school at Salt Lake Community College yesterday. He is taking one math class on campus and an online fitness class. I hope it works out for him; he is still trying to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up. He said his class went well and will continue to work for Destry. I know he'll figure it out and he'll do well at whatever he chooses. He has to work harder than most people to make it through each day, but he is doing it and I couldn't be prouder.
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